I Rebelled Against the Role of ‘Mom’ — Until it Was Right for Me

婴儿让我出汗。每次妈妈朋友问我是否想抱着婴儿时，我的手立即从平静到糊状。我通常的行动计划是礼貌地拒绝报价，并提出一个借口，例如：“哦，您的小孩子在婴儿推车中看起来很可爱，我不想打扰她的停机时间。”

Related story Morning Mom Guilt is the Absolute Worst

This never worked. My friends quickly saw through my not-so-clever ruse, and an interrogation would follow asking why I’d turned them down.

“Babies make me nervous,” I’d eventually admit.

正是在这一点上，我的女友向我保证我错了。“不好了！婴儿让你头晕。”我被告知。他们解释了这一刻，他们如何听到卵巢对他们的耳语now was the time有很多婴儿。我屏住呼吸，停了下来。

我听不到耳语。但是，我确实感觉到我的卵巢与其他人一起爆发出紧张的汗水。我会听到打电话成为妈妈吗？

当我8岁那年，我在日记中列出了所有梦想。其中包括成人目标，例如寻找职业，拥有狗并与汉·索罗（Han Solo）见面。我的清单上的项目来了，但是我从来没有写过“建立家庭”。我自己的家人支持我的每个梦想，所以我没有想到“不可思议”motherhoodmight be radical thinking—until I was in high school.

坐在午餐桌上听我的女朋友说话，我觉得，好吧……尴尬。他们花了整个时期讨论他们想要的孩子，当我吞噬甜点时，我知道他们所有孩子的首个想象中的中间和中间名字。

“What are you命名您的婴儿?” one girl asked.

“Um, well … I’m not sure if I want kids.” The entire cafeteria met me with a disapproving silence. I felt totally out of place.

After that experience, I noticed more and more that my feelings on motherhood weren’t exactly the norm. When I mentioned my life goals and left out momming, I was cross-examined or given concerned looks. I was happy my girlfriends were so invested in their parenting futures, but why was I receiving less approval for speaking my truth?

随着年龄的增长，我的手指，脚趾和睫毛交叉了，朋友，家人和咖啡师不会问我要生孩子。这样，我就可以躲避所有尴尬和空心，在我的肚子里的感觉不合时宜。但是最终，有一个我无法避免让婴儿与我的丈夫一起做的人。

When it came time to talk to my fiancé about our future plans, I noticed a familiar nervousness creep into my belly. The last thing I wanted was to feel the same judgment I’d felt from friends and strangers. As it turns out, though, my nervousness was unnecessary. We were on the same page when it came to starting a family, and it read:不确定。我的未婚夫很高兴不确定没有我的压力，我很高兴获得无条件的支持 - 我不知道我的婚姻生活需要。

搭便车之后，我希望我必须遇到麻烦，例如如何阻止伴侣拿起所有床罩或谁打扫厕所。但是，我没有预料到这种繁殖的压力。这个陌生的始于我的邮箱，以婴儿的广告形式给我带来了很多内gui。显然，成为已婚女士后，我明显的下一步是立即成为怀孕的女士。当我将以婴儿为中心的优惠券，广告和杂志塞入回收箱中时，我变得烦恼。

“You just got married, right? When are you getting pregnant?” my neighbor asked excitedly while I was taking my recycling to the curb.

我的上唇爆发了汗水。我笑了笑，给了我的标准“不确定”的答案。而在这个问题之前，我可能会感到不安全，但现在它引发了深刻的态度。我想在建立家庭时自由做出自己的选择，但是所有这些期望使我感到被困在一种思维方式中 - 其他所有人的思维方式。压力增加了我进入我假定的女性妈妈角色的压力，这在我内心造成了安静的叛乱。

尽管成为叛军从来都不是我的果酱（我什至从未在课堂上通过笔记），但我对孕产的个人叛乱持续了8年。我需要空间来处理我真正想要的东西。婴儿从来没有停止过让我紧张，但是当我的密友开始成为母亲时，我的手掌上的汗水不仅仅是汗水。他们与孩子分享的深厚的爱与联系使我着迷。

“You want to hold her?” my best friend asked.

“I’m good,” I began, “I love watching you hold your baby.” And that was the truth. It wasn’t a baby that made me giddy, but the love my mom friends shared with their kid that did.

这花了一些时间，但是我努力地使所有这些外部声音和意见保持沉默，以便我可以决定自己真正想要的东西。打破了我的日记和与我丈夫的大量谈话帮助了这一过程。然后有一天我们的两个页面都阅读了：Decided。We felt moved to start a family.

按照我自己的母亲,而不是贝科use society or my next-door-neighbor expected it of me, opened my heart to the possibility. Being a mother to my son has deepened my well of emotions in positive ways I’m still processing. And when I look at my kid, I know without a doubt that being his mom was the best choice I’ve ever made. As it turns out, it wasn’t my ovaries that called me to motherhood, but my heart.